Healing Hearts: In the Shadow of Death, I'll Rejoice In the Lord!

In Memory of Stephanie Karen (Jennings) Branham Crabtree 

The Shadow of Death visited me once again on February 2, 2025, when I learned my precious, beautiful daughter, Stephanie, had died. That plunged me into the depths of a darkness like I've never experienced. I've faced death before, when my great-grandmother, mother, and husband died. But this death hit me hard, hurt me deeply, and had me in its grip. 

And that's when the dark Spirit of Grief overshadowed me. 

I moved to live where Stephanie was in Nevada, Missouri, where she watched over me closely and promised to take care of me in my old age. Her husband had her cremated, so there was no funeral or memorial held, no closure. All of my family members lived south, an hour and a half or more away.  Oh sure, my family kept in touch, but I was alone, grieving deeply, and trying to make sense of it all, while loneliness numbed me. It was so bad that I couldn't write or do the normal daily activities; I did continue going to church. 

Within two weeks of her death, I knew that I needed to move. I was living in Stephanie's husband's house, and I wanted to go "home" to once again be near my family. During the day, I sorted through my belongings, packed them up, and prepared for the big move in April. When I wasn't busy, the grief spirit bombarded me with increased loneliness, guilt, shame, misery, despair, and worry. Anguishing thoughts of remorse, revenge, and hate tempted me to do or say wrong things. But I fought the devil and prayed through all that was bombarding me. 

Scriptures came to mind, and I clung to God's promises that He would never leave me or forsake me.

Here I am, four months and three days later. 

God worked a miracle in my life. He led me during the move and placed me and my two cats in the right places at the right times. I applied for an apartment, was approved, and moved into the new place, just two weeks and three days later. That is amazing, and the work of our great Lord! 

The day I left Nevada, the Spirit of Grief lifted off of me. That dark abyss no longer gripped me and filled me with overwhelm, loneliness, and despair. Now, each new day brings healing. I'm living in the town where my husband and I raised our family, where I have many friends and family members, and I again attend my former church. 

My testimony is strong on my lips - Jesus carried me through the ordeal of moving miles away while deeply grieving for my child, and He prepared the way for me to make a full circle, arriving back "home" where I am loved and happy. I'm actually smiling more, starting to write again, creating the handmade cards that are a ministry for me, and I'm out and about again. 

I tell you that every day and every evening, I thank our Big God and give Him all the praise and glory that He deserves! In the Shadow of Death, He was beside me, leading me to my future. 

I continue to grieve - I always, forever will - but this grief is not numbing, cutting, gnawing, and gnashing at me. This healing grief reminds me that Stephanie was saved and baptized in the name of Jesus Christ and that she is waiting for me when it's my time to die. I will join Stephanie and celebrate our reunion along with the myriad of family members who have gathered around her.

Today, I am grateful, thankful, and blessed because Jesus Christ, my savior, walks beside me...and always carries me through those rough waters. The Lord is my shepherd and I shall not want.

I'm healing my heart one day at a time...

Photo credit: Kimberly Jennings Ruede, my daughter 

Please note: The devil is real, and we are always fighting him. Like Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world's darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."