The Hidden Cost of the Three C's: Controlling, Criticism, & Complaining

It was a typical Ozark summer evening with the air muggy and hot.

"I'm so mad because you hit a rock and it broke the bedroom window!" he grumbled, giving her a daggered look. 

With a downturned mouth, she said nothing, pushing away the tears as the accusing words stabbed at her; she just let those accusing words sink into her and settle deep. Heaviness overcame her again and she felt the pull of sleepiness.  

The air in the stifling trailer was dry and stale from her husband's bickering. She made a mental note to later turn on the little box fan to circulate the air better and help the air conditioning. 

"It's not like I mowed over the gravel flower beds so the mower would fling them all over!" She finally pushed the defending words at him. 

"You just need to be more careful! It's funny because I can mow and never hit a rock! You know those rocks are there in the yard, don't run over them!" he yelled, his fists tight with rage, his cold eyes now ablaze. "Now I've got to fix the window!" A string of foul words followed his stomping down the hallway of the single-wide trailer, at the sound of the slamming door she was alone.

Closing her eyes she withdrew from the situation and snuggled into the fuzzy lap blanket as melancholy crawled over her. The weight of depression, humiliation, and disappointment squeezed her heart. She had to do better! Next time she mowed, she would keep an eye out and be sure and not hit any rocks. Maybe she should just stop mowing. When that thought struck her, she immediately retaliated with, No! I love mowing, it's a time of peace and tranquility and it brings me happiness. 

She had homework to do and an assignment was due on Sunday, but instead the fuzzy blanket drew her into the safe sleep she craved and she closed her brown eyes longing for the escape that a nap provided.

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That story is true.

What struck me wasn't the broken window. Windows can be repaired. What troubled me was the damage

done to a human heart. The accusation was absurd. No one intentionally runs over rocks with a lawn mower to break a bedroom window. Yet the criticism landed exactly where criticism often lands—deep inside the spirit of the person hearing it.

Psalm 55:21 describes such words well: "His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords."

Words have power. They can encourage, heal, and build up. They can also wound, discourage, and tear down.

I remember what happened after hearing that conversation. Whenever I walked through my own yard, I

found myself looking for stray rocks and tossing them back into the flower beds. I didn't want her

to accidentally hit one while mowing and have to endure another round of criticism.

That's how much I wanted to protect her.

The longer I reflected on that moment, the more I realized that controlling, complaining, and critical

people often do more damage than they realize. A controlling person can drain the life from a relationship. Instead of creating an atmosphere of trust, they create an atmosphere of fear. Instead of offering grace, they demand perfection. Instead of building confidence, they slowly chip away at it.

The person on the receiving end begins to question everything:

• Was that my fault?

• Should I have done better?

• Maybe I shouldn't do it at all.

What begins as criticism can eventually become discouragement. What begins as complaining can become

contempt. What begins as control can become emotional bondage.

The Bible teaches a different way. In 2 Timothy 1:7 we read: "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-control."

Notice that Scripture calls us to control ourselves, not other people. Romans 14:10 also reminds us: "Why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt?"

God calls His children to speak with kindness, patience, humility, and grace. None of us are perfect

We all make mistakes. We all break a few "windows" along the way.

The question is not whether people will fail. The question is how we will respond when they do. Will we wound with our words, or will we extend grace? Will we criticize, complain, and control? Or will we love as Christ loves us?

The Golden Rule remains as true today as it was when Jesus spoke it: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

May we be known not for the Three C's—controlling, complaining, and critical—but for three better

qualities: compassion, encouragement, and Christlike love.